Regaining Control
by Regina Halliwell
Summary: Alternate "While You Were Sleeping" fic. Really wanted Damon and Elena's big conversation to go better, and certainly wanted there to be blood sharing.


Flames crackled in the background as the world came into view. Elena's eyes opened, slowly, feeling finally like she was herself again. She had finally awakened from her lucid dreaming experience, watching Katherine run her life into the ground. She had watched for weeks as her doppelganger put the nail in the coffin of her relationship with Damon, tried shamelessly to seduce Stefan, ruined any chance of Caroline and Tyler working things out… and then, of course, she had seen her evil double inject her with that werewolf venom infused Augustine virus. She had awoken knowing what would happen to her after Katherine's time had run out.

Elena knew all this, knew that the world into which she was awakening wasn't a good one. But it was hers. At least now instead of watching from a distance as one thing after another was screwed up beyond her control, she could have a hand in her destiny. Too long had she played by the rules of someone else, be it fate, or destiny, or the universe, or magic. It was her turn to be in control.

She looked up from her cloudy musings into the mesmerizing eyes of the older Salvatore brother, finding some grounding in the devotion she found there. "Damon," she said simply, not sure how else to greet her lover. Ex-lover. Well, she had been ready to reconnect with him when her bitch of a doppelganger had gotten control of her body, so now she wasn't sure what they were. She wasn't really sure about anything, anymore.

He sighed in relief at her expression and reached down to embrace her. "Elena," he breathed as he held her in his arms.

She looked around at where she was, and finding herself in the living room, she guessed brusquely, "You and Stefan didn't want to gamble on whose bed I would want to be in when I woke up?"

He grimaced at her candor. "Something like that."

Still unsure of herself, Elena hesitantly murmured, "For the record, it's yours." Damon's eyes lit up a bit, so Elena continued, "That bed is really something, what with the comfy mattress and the four posts…"

She grinned, waiting for his response. It was immediate. Damon pulled her up to a sitting position and sat down next to her, leaning in for a kiss. His hesitation was still evident despite her joke, but once her lips touched his they were back to their old ways. The fire rose up in their bellies, deep and reaching, and both felt the passion of their relationship return like they had never broken up in the first place.

Elena was anxious to assure Damon that she still cared about him and that she wanted to be with him despite Katherine's cruelty, and that came out aggressively in their embrace. Damon was happy to indulge her eagerness, but after a few minutes of kissing and wandering hands, he pulled away, removing her hands from his body and sliding himself farther away on the couch.

"Elena," he started, "Much as you know I love to bump uglies with you and believe me, this is the last thing I want to be doing… we need to talk. About what happened while Katherine was in your body. There's a lot you need to know."

It was clear from Damon's body language, his head slumped slightly and a sadness in his eyes, that he didn't want to have this talk. There was something Elena didn't know. Even as much as she had witnessed and was ashamed of on Katherine's behalf, there seemed to be even more that went on while she was sleeping, so to speak. Nodding, she beckoned him to continue.

"Elena, I did some really terrible things after we broke up. I lost control of myself… I got upset, really upset, and Enzo and I, we…" Damon paused, not wanting to admit everything that he had done, knowing it would mean the end.

"Damon, if there's anything the past year has taught me, it's that no one is truly evil. Even someone like Katherine, as much bad stuff as she did, has some redeeming qualities. Even if she did stick me with that vampire virus… she really cared about her daughter. Klaus really cares about Caroline. You really care about me. People do awful things for the people they love, or when that person hurts them. Whatever you did, we'll deal with it." Elena was hoping that whatever Damon had done wasn't as bad as her imagination could conjure up. She was probably going to be wrong, but she was optimistic nonetheless.

Leaning over for a reassuring kiss, Elena held him close for a moment. "So, tell me. What happened?"

Following through on his promise to Stefan to come clean and let the chips fall where they may, Damon began his confession. He told her about after she (or, really Katherine) broke up with him, how he and Enzo went on a killing spree. He told her about Wes, and more shakily, about Aaron. He told her about their trail of bodies, about the pleasure he got from the killing. By the end of his story, he couldn't even look at her. Damon didn't want to see the horror in her eyes.

Elena finally sighed and took his face in her hands, pulling him towards her to look at him. Surprisingly, he found not anger or disappointment, but acceptance there. She was certainly sad, and he could see a tear collecting in her eyes, probably for having lost a friend. But she didn't pity him, and she wasn't pulling away.

"Damon," she said, "We have to get to a point where you don't go on a killing spree every time we have a fight. I can't be your only reason for not murdering people. But that also doesn't mean that when one of us screws up it's over."

"It always comes back to this, though, Elena. You _are_ my reason for not doing this shit. If you didn't care, if you were… like me… I would go on killing and torturing. Because that's who I am."

Elena shook her head. "No it's not, and I'm not stopping you from doing any of this. I'm just reminding you that you don't have to." Damon tried to interrupt, but Elena gestured for him to stop. "Damon, you and Stefan both have it in your head that I'm some kind of perfect person. Clearly, I'm not. You think you have pressure on you? If perfect Elena steps one toe out of line, the whole town is there to fix it. It's ridiculous. I have Stefan on one shoulder and Caroline on the other, reminding me that it's easy to be a good vampire. It's exhausting. I have this whole new thing happen to me, I die, and since then it's been one reminder after another that my life will never be simple or easy. That people will continue to die around me and even though I have the power to do something about it, I can't because I'm perfect, helpless, precious Elena, and I'm only here to be saved and cherished.

"Damon, some of the best times I've had over the past few months have been when I was able to let go of this ideal people have forced onto me. You know when those things have happened? With you, Damon. You make me a better person, because you let me be me. I feel free with you, and I feel safe. I feel loved but not taken for granted. So don't even try to tell me that you're not good for me, because what isn't good for me is what everyone else is doing. You are the best thing for me."

Damon leaned in, kissed her softly, and then pulled back, smirking. "I'm that good, huh? Better than Saint Stefan?"

She shoved him and he sobered. "Seriously, Elena? This can't all be fixed with a few words. I killed people. I killed one of your friends. And not because you were in danger or because I was in danger, but because I could, and because I wanted to. And I liked it. I relished the kill like I always do."

"So, you didn't feel bad about doing it afterwards at all? Like when you snapped Jeremy's neck?" He winced, remembering in a moment all the terrible things he had done, many of them to her.

"I feel bad now," he said, "I wanted to do it to hurt you, and to make myself feel better, because even though the twerp was innocent, his family wasn't."

"So, what about me, then?"

He looked at her blankly. "What do you mean, you?"

"Grayson Gilbert was working on the Augustine project, with Wes, clearly involved in the fight to destroy vampires, John Gilbert is the reason everything got screwed up in Mystic Falls… so why am I not dead yet? If you really wanted to destroy everyone who was ever even related to your tormented past, then you should have killed me too. Unless you had something to do with my parents driving off the bridge that night, and I just got lucky."

The look in his eyes told her everything she needed to know. "Oh."

"Elena, I regretted it immediately. As soon as I met you that night I didn't want to let you go. I was thrilled when Stefan saved you. Your parents I wanted to die, but as soon as I saw you, so alike Katherine in beauty but so different in personality, I fell in love. I'm the reason they're dead. I'm the reason your life has been awful the past few years. If it weren't for me coming back to Mystic Falls to kill off some of my attackers, you would still have a family."

It was several long minutes before Elena spoke again. "My parents were the reason for some of your suffering. I don't think of you as the reason for mine. Grayson and Miranda were good parents to me then, but they wouldn't like the person I've become. They would be hunting me down, just like they were hunting you down. It wouldn't matter to them what kind of vampire I am, just that I am one."

"Yeah, well, because of me, you never get to have that conversation. You don't know what they would think of you because they're dead. Because of me. And you would be too, if not for my brother."

"Damon, this is all really intense. You just told me you almost killed me, that you killed my parents. You've tried to kill Jeremy, more than once, I might add. Technically I wouldn't be a vampire if not for you. It _was _your blood that made me one, after all. But I would be dead. If you weren't in my life, I wouldn't have one either. Stefan saved me, literally brought me back to life. He was my reason for getting up in the morning for so long, and was the only way I felt safe after losing nearly everyone else that was important to me in one way or another. But you were there too. You challenged me, made me a fighter, made me stand up for what I want in life. If I have to convince Caroline one more time that Stefan isn't my epic love story I'm going to smack her. I chose you because I love you, despite everything that's happened. Yes, you've done some terrible things. Some of them I try not to think about—the way you treated Caroline, at first… it scares me that you're capable of that, that you still are after all this time and all the maturity I've seen in you. You scare me. But so does Stefan. He's done damage to me too, Damon. He wanted to hurt me, wanted to kill me, even. But that doesn't mean he loves me any less. This doesn't mean you love me any less. You've both lost control, in one way or another.

"I don't mean to say that what you did was okay, because it's not, Damon. You need to be better. But not because of me. You need to do it for yourself, so that you don't continue to believe that you're not as good as Stefan. You keep saying I don't deserve you—I won't deserve you until you believe you're good enough to be deserved. So stop killing people to convince yourself that you don't deserve to be loved, because you do. I love you, Damon. And even if we fight, even if we break up, you can't go on a killing spree to make it hurt less. Okay?"

He nodded. "Easier said than done," he admitted. "I'm going to screw up."

She agreed with him on that front. "Yeah, you will. And I'm not saying that because I expect you to ruin things, or make mistakes. Because I have no expectations except that you talk to me. Look, we've just talked about you killing my friend, my parents, almost me. I'm still here. The world hasn't ended because you've been honest with me. If we communicate about our issues, if we don't try to hide things from each other—even to protect one another—everything will be easier." She kissed him, knowing that unlike anything else that would make feel better.

Hoarsely, he apologized again, knowing that he had a lifetime of sins he would never be able to make up for, but had to try. "So, we're okay?"

"Of course we're okay. I've been watching from inside my body while Katherine played games with my life, and now that I have it back, there's some things I need to take care of. The first of which being this…" Breaking off, Elena moved towards Damon, letting him lay beneath her as she climbed on top of him. He kicked the spare blanket and pillow off the couch where Elena had slept.

Elena had been dormant in her own body for weeks, and now she couldn't feel more awake. Every nerve in her was tingling, every place Damon touched her alight with desire. She felt their bodies molding together as if they didn't ever want to be apart. Elena ran her hand through Damon's hair, savoring the feel of the waves between her fingers. His tongue entered her mouth and she felt his hand running up and down her back.

"Maybe we should take this back to your room," Elena murmured as she pulled away to take a breath, letting her heartbeat settle a bit.

He laughed. "I know how much you appreciate that bed…"

"Come on," Elena said, pulling him up and dragging him behind her to his room. Along the way, she grabbed the bottle of bourbon that Damon favored heavily.

"Feeling peckish?" he asked as she took a swig.

"Something like that," she answered, smiling.

Elena got into Damon's bedroom first, and set the bourbon down on his dresser as she pulled off her sweater. He followed suit, leaving his undershirt on. Elena smiled, glad that she had Damon back with her after so long, but then her expression darkened.

"What?" he asked, worry showing in his expression. "What is it, Elena?"

Concerned and confused, she admitted, "I'm hungry. It feels different, though. I feel different."

"Have you fed since you woke up?" Damon asked, his desire turned to concern.

She shook her head no.

"I knew that Katherine stuck me with that virus, but I didn't know it would feel like… this…" she babbled. Damon turned and got the bottle of bourbon from his dresser, handing it to her.

"Drink some more," he urged. "It'll help, I promise." She did, feeling some small relief at the lessening hunger deep within her.

"Is this what it feels like," she asked, looking up at him with curiosity and desire, "for you? With the virus? Do you want to feed from other vampires, like if you could just have a sip it would make everything better?"

The look she gave him was changing. Her hunger was getting stronger, more dangerous, more unpredictable.

"Elena," he began, "We need to fix this. The hunger will be too strong for you."

"How do you do it, then?" she asked. "Stop it from taking control…"

"Have some more bourbon. And I don't really know." He looked ashamed. "I hadn't figured that out yet." The unspoken admission hung heavily in the air. The tone of the moment had completely changed, but the hunger Elena felt was still there, teetering between desire and starvation. The fine line she walked was apparent in her face, and Damon saw the opportunity to take advantage of their precarious situation.

"You could always let it take over," he suggested. "We both could."

There was a crazy look in her eyes, and she wandered closer to Damon, feeling the pull of the blood rushing through his veins. "I remember you telling me once that blood sharing is… what did you say… personal? If I recall correctly, it was a pretty powerful feeling, even one sided."

Damon nodded, remembering that day in the bathroom at the Mystic Grill. They hadn't even been together then, and the feeling of her drinking his blood as he held her close to him was like nothing he had ever experienced. To do this now, when they loved each other and were already closer than ever? Not to mention the virus that plagued them both and made them crave each other's blood. It was a no-brainer. And a godsend.

"I'm game if you are," he offered.

"What if I can't stop myself? What if you can't?" Elena asked, more afraid of her own hunger than anything.

"It won't be like before, with you and Stefan there. Theoretically, we both need vampire blood to survive, and as long as we get that blood, we'll be fine. So even though you're drinking a lot of my blood, I'm drinking yours to replenish. It should be fine."

She smiled, still hungry. "Let's try it, then." She looked over at the bourbon and downed another gulp, hoping it would stave off the worst of her hunger. Then she pulled Damon to her, feeling the heat radiate throughout her body at their touch. She kissed him hard, making up for the past few weeks without having him this way.

Damon picked her up, her legs around his waist pulling her closer to him, feeling their most sensitive parts connecting. He dropped her on the bed, taking her pants off with a few movements and then her underwear as well. Leaning up, he kissed her and let her remove his shirt, pulling it apart rather than over his head, allowing their mouths to keep contact. She could feel this passion burning her from the inside out, and she wanted to prolong it. Damon pushed her down to lie back on the bed and smirked, leaning down to pleasure her with his tongue. He laved her gently, but eagerly, and felt her wriggle beneath him as she got closer to her orgasm.

He pulled away slightly to kiss her inner thigh as his fingers continued where his tongue left off, and then as she became more urgent, he bit down on her thigh, suckling hungrily from her femoral artery. She exploded with pleasure, but as quickly as she was sated she became ravenous for his blood as well. She pulled him up onto the bed completely, removing his jeans with his help, kissing and liking her own fluids from his face as she did so.

She lay back and pulled him onto her, feeling Damon enter her without any preamble. It was what she needed, but not all of what she needed. Elena met him thrust for thrust and latched on to his neck, her fangs coming out to bite into him with fervor as her body bent to his will. She pulled back, gasping with pleasure, hearing the moans emanating from him as well.

Elena questioned him with her eyes and he reassured her that all was well. She continued to drink from him, feeling the muscles in her belly contract as she fed and fucked. It was overwhelming, the rapture of it all, the need she felt to consume all of him, in one way or another. As she came apart around him, Damon felt himself getting closer, and leaned more into her embrace, his neck turned to allow her to feed. He twisted slightly and bit into her as well, feeling her hot blood rush into his mouth like fire.

There they were, feeding on each other, so ravenous that barely a drop was spilled onto the sumptuous bed, and fulfilling hunger and desire in kind. As Damon felt himself drop over the edge, he took a final pull of Elena's blood and then unclenched, waiting for her to do the same.

She did, with some great reluctance. When he looked down to see what awaited him in her eyes, he found hunger still, but also satisfaction.

"That was…" she began, not even sure how to describe it.

"Yeah," he agreed, equally speechless.

Damon sagged down on top of her, letting his full weight rest on Elena's. "You were able to stop feeding," he observed.

"So were you." Elena smirked, proud of herself and enjoying her post-coital and feeding bliss.

"Well look at that," Damon admitted. "Self control."


End file.
